Today is Xuan Xuan’s estimated delivery date. While Roxanne is showing no signs of labour (everything has been very calm for the past few days), I am suddenly reminded of a post which I long wanted to write about Xuan Xuan. What better day than today.
During the time when Roxanne was diagnosed with threatened labour at 22 weeks, we came face to face with the fact that we could lose our child. Then, I pleaded with God that even if He decides to take her away, to let me see her at least.
I so wanted to see Xuan Xuan, to touch Xuan Xuan, and to hug and cuddle Xuan Xuan. Ever since we caught a beautiful view of her on our 20 week scan, our hearts have been captivated by her. Progressively in the 2nd term of pregnancy, we increasingly connected more and more with her. Of course mummy would feel her usual kicks, but Xuan Xuan was more than that. She has a knack of delivering very rhythmic punches. She will go, “thump…thump…thump.., delivering a beat every second.” We were amazed how a baby as tiny as her could make beats as consistent as a seasoned drummer.
Then there were moments where I pinned my ear on my wife’s tummy to hear Xuan Xuan. Xuan Xuan would make splashing sounds, as she swims like a fish inside mummy’s womb. Later on, scans would reveal various interesting posts she puts up. The 20th week scan has one hand under her head and another over her forehead. She seemed like she was resting after a picnic! Another scan at 30+ week has her in a thinking pose, with her fist at her chin! Another scan had the sonergrapher picked a frontal facial shot of her but she covered her eyes as if she was shy to let us look at her.
Then of course, there were her responses to me when I spoke to her. As what I have written in Evernote, “My baby responds to my voice and stirs when I touch my wife’s tummy. I thought, she cannot see me, but she probably finds my voice familiar, hence calming. The parent’s voice is a bridge that calms the baby as he transits from the womb environment to the outside world. She cannot see me, but she can hear my voice, feel my touch, know my love. I care for her concerns every moment. This is not unlike the love of our heavenly Father. Though we can’t see Him, He cares for us every moment. “If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?” (Matt 7:11); So.. “Cast all your cares upon him; for he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)
So can you imagine why most parents love their child so much? Even before the child arrives, the parent has already connected with their precious pearl. Every child is unique and every parent’s experience with their child is special in their own way.
And one of the biggest pain ever is for a parent to lose a child. And the more tangible the parent’s experience with the child is, the more painful it gets. Which is why for God to take my child away after I have seen her, touched her, cuddled her, is more painful than to have God take my child away before I have even seen her. The earlier a miscarriage, the less painful it is. But when miscarriage is at mid or full term, or after delivery, the pain is unimaginable.
But that was my choice, if I have to choose. I told God I wanted Xuan Xuan out, touched and seen, before He takes her away. Why? Because I wanted Xuan Xuan to know she’s worth it. I wanted Xuan Xuan to feel my love for her in as tangible, as personal a way as possible. And if it pains me more after that to lose her, I rather it that way. If I have a day with Xuan Xuan, I would ask for a day. If I only have an hour, I would want that hour. If I only have 15mins, I want that 15mins. For even if that short moment would trade for a heavier pain, Xuan Xuan would leave knowing how dear and loved she is by us. Pain would not be a barrier to love. Pain would not be a hindrance for me to show her my love.
For Xuan Xuan is worth the pain that I would go through if so.
Xuan Xuan, daddy wrote this post for you. To let you know that I love you. I am so looking forward to seeing you.
When we understand love, we realize the deepest meaning of life.
May God be with everyone who has experienced the pain of a child lost before.